The Great American Bombastic Part 1

"Arrgghh, oohhhh, shiiittt, eerrrr, fuuuuckkkk, ooohhh shiiitttt, why won't you come outta there you sorry little baaastard?!!!!" And with those words my mother ushered me into this beautiful world of ours. It seems that she had been in labor with me for nearly two days and I was not cooperating with her or the doctor in any way. There is little doubt in my mind that I knew what was coming and I wanted no part of it. The doctor actually had to clamp down on my head so hard with steel forceps that it severely deformed my skull. When I came out, my mother cried many tears, but her tears were born of the horrid thought that she would have to raise a retarded zucchini headed child. Since my father simply wanted me to be an abortion I don't think he was there with the proper kind of moral support. At least when mother was taken to her recovery room the nurses returned shortly with a baby with a perfectly shaped head and mom praised God that I had magically transformed from a mentally challenged zucchini boy into a normal looking child in just a few minutes. Well, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, and it didn't take long for all the stooges involved to realize that I was still in the nursery and mother had been given the wrong baby. I can only imagine the joy in the room when ole squash head came roll'in back in. I can just see my father now standing in that room turning his back to the whole situation and wondering why God would curse him with such a woman and such a child. It probably did not take him long to go and get drunk as a skunk and day dream about beating mom to a pulp for undoubtedly tricking him into the whole situation. Mom, she was destined to hate me from those very first moments. I'll admit, I probably had a fistful of stomach and spleen, and a good strong foothold on her pelvic bone. I was dug in like a Georgia Tick on a hot summer day as I tried to stay where I knew those voices I had been hearing for months could not get to my sorry little ass. I think she knew that she would always be seeking vengeance against me with the literal pain that I brought her during my birth. So it began and a journey so twisted, weird, and bombastic has occurred that the story must be told and so I shall tell it.